Just a little pumped!

New Years Is going to be so SICK

Todosantos- omg we got it

http://www.myspace.com/todosantos

Ninja Sonik- Tight Pants

http://www.ninjasonik.com/

In other news, I AM SO FUCKING BORED. JESUS CHIRST SOMEONE KIDNAP ME ALREAEDY

end of the year, sort of, kind of, not really

As of this moment there are only a few short hours before I have to move back to long island (Only for five weeks, but moving back nonetheless) and I have never wanted to not do something so much in my life. This whole week I've had waves of happiness in my surroundings, even if it is coughing my lungs out with my roommate, or working until ridiculous hours in the work room (PS, if anyone ask me one more time if I do actual work in design school, I think I might shank them. Try doing a quarter of the shit I crank out and see if it isn't overwhelming) with Elise and John, where it hits me that I have to go back. I can state it a million times though it doesn't change anything, Long Island is a great place but it isn't for me. It is so strange when you know for a fact that you are going to become depressed. It doesn't help that it coincides with the winter months that always consistently manages to make a social hermit. I just don't want to leave this situation. I adore everyone I've met here. I never thought I would love college so much, though I don't know if it is college or the fact that I am somewhat on my own.

Before I start making end of the year list and whatnot I just feel the urge to do one of the boring reflections. I know essentially I am the same person I was a year ago, the girl who just wants to help her friends, is somewhat a floater, an external optimist though internally hard on herself. I know I am still all these things, but god! This year has changed me so much too. I am so much more aware of the good and bad in people, and though you may consider it to be a bad thing, that i may be taken advantage of, I don't care. Every happy moment, and ever moment that was less than stellar taught me something about myself and the people involved. I like myself, I know I am a good person, people care and like me. Who could ask for anything better. Knowing that people like you for you and not what you represent. I'm not afraid to tell people I care about that they mean something to me. I know this year that:

• I am good enough to be alone, but I'm even better with people. I should let said people add onto my happiness instead of take it away.
  
• I don't have to be bitter to be funny
  
• people actually care about me
  
• people actually want to be around me
  
• When someone hurts you it isn't the end of the world, that there is someone else waiting around the corner to make things better
  
• Never take the simplest of friendships for granted
  
• When you see the faults in people don't deny them, embrace and work around them. If things just keep on getting worse it is okay to leave.
  
• Leave no ends untied.

It is sad, and it is sappy, but it is true. I am so happy with myself, and I am so happy with my life. P. to the fucking S.: That 3 list of goals I had for the end of the year, I actually completed... creepy.

The difference a year makes. I can't remember who, but I compared these pictures and showed them to another person. They flipped out just a little, it was odd. I don't think I've changed that much. (They are halloweens a year apart.)

I've had a pretty kick ass year, so I am just going to list all the things and people that made it awesome. In no order:

Yamilee Duroseau, F.I.T., End of high school/ beginning of college, the month of october and of march, The Square [aka Michele, Carly, Holly and myself], The secret best friend, CMJ, Patrick Wolf Live, Gravy Train live, TV on the Radio live, Voxtrot live, every show I've basically seen this year, Michelle Pang, Brooklyn, the play/techies, Of Montreal live, Alex, the room mate, Elise, Julia, the brits, Johny, Kristen,  ABM people, Michele's house at all times of the year, Mc Carren pool parties, Studio B, back seats of cars, flickr, My nikon d50 and its sweat ass lens, concert photos and getting that one amazing shot, the opposite sex, Ninjas and Robots, Taco bell, My busted brown converse gray bag black jeans and white v-next, pace people, granola, sketch books,  Bari, The LIRR, the 1 line, knowing the subway system way too well, the youth of my family, independce. Every person who has told me the love me, the few and the good on the island. The car [white pony], sunrise highway and 7th ave, neon lights, stages, fast friends. good times, everyone who has made me smile, and everyone who as ever made me upset.

Okay, albums listened to this year, and then I am out! Its missing a shit load, but whatever.

Some more...

You know its sad when you are having thoughts in class concerning what you are going to update your blog with. It is very sad.

Things are winding down, people are beginning to pack, and I (more so than anyone else I speak to) don't want to leave. I don't want to go home. Everyone, including self, needs a break from school, so the notion of a vacation is fine by me. But the fact that is a little over a month in the winter is just too much to comprehend. It is strange when you know for a fact that you are going to become depressed. This just works for me, not being home, and the thought of going back to that special kind of Long Island cold to wake up, go to work, come back home, sleep or possibly go out to a friend's house, just seems so hopeless. I don't want to do it, I don't want to go home. I had my time on that island, it is time for me to move on.

On a happier note, something within the last week makes me feel as though I am a step closer to finally being... complete. There is still that underlying worry I will always feel as long as I know and care about the people I know. However, this time I can just sit back. It is at a point where... how can I word this. If any aspect of my life were to suddenly become an overwhelmingly dramatic, I think I could manage it. I don't think my past will be an issue anymore, and that the future (with the exception of winter break) is going to look bright. People in this city aren't as stand-offish as everyone would like to make it seem. You don't completely change when you leave for college in most cases. You just become a better/worse version of yourself. I can safely say that I becoming a better version.

The thing is, I have no clue what being me is, so I guess you can say I am becoming better.

 

OH! Because the month of November was such a bust in terms of going out, I've got this urge to just go out all the time now. I know it is finals, and for the most part I am on top of everything. My work will get done, it will be done in advance, and it will be done well. I've just got to start exploring more, I've just got to meet more people, I just have to...dance

If you want more photos from the Japanther show (Dec 1, 2007), go to my flickr!

BAM!

All I really want in life at this moment are moleskine notebooks to doodle in, be organized, and to make my own. I mean, online blogs are great, but I am lacking the motivation to keep one up. There is something to be said when you keep a sketchbook that isn't composed of circle, squares, and triangles.





So I go home in less than 24 hours, and unlike everyone I know, I am completely dreading it. I think it comes down to three main reasons.

1) I've been spoiled by the city.
I have done a good job of actually keeping my work and social life on good paths. I do my work, I do my work well, and I do my work in advance. This gives me the opportunity to go out on certain nights, and when I do choose to go out, I go all out. I rarely come back into the dorms before 2 in the morning and I like it that way. Thanksgiving break is the beginning of the end. Final projects start to be due, friends begin to leave (what doesn't help is that I made so many exchange friends and they all are leaving me in december!), and you move back home. Unlike high school where you have that lovely and much needed week long break, college vacation goes on for little more than a month. A month of rules that are set up for you by others. Those rules work when you don't know anything better, and can rationalize coming home at 11PM on a from a neighboring town. But what do you do when you have tasted freedom? What do you do when you've been spoiled by the freedoms of coming home at 5AM on a Saturday from brooklyn?
2) I've got feeling that something bad may happen.
It is most likely due to my paranoia, my constant state of anxiety, but I can't help it. There are so many lose ends left back there and when you have lived on long island your whole life there is no way to avoid drama. I figure that (this involves more than one situation, so don't just limit yourself to one possible situation) I've got to wait a good year, or move off that island for good until that drama can stop following me. It sucks that I've collected so many secrets over the last few months. Some actually make me happy and others weight down like a ton of bricks. Most likely I'll avoid it all the issues concerning me. I mean, long island is a big place, ya' know? Its more of the fact that there may be drama concerning friends that may be the huge issue. But I am just being a debbie downer.
3)I've changed.
More than one person told me that you change when you go to college, and I knew that it was going to happen, it is obvious. Essentially I am the same person, my personality hasn't change much. But now I am very much so aware of my faults. I've got a bleeding heart, and that causes me to taken advantage of, especially with men. I realized how much I love my friends, and how much I just can't say no. That I need to change those aspects of my personality that may cause my downfall, but not completely lose myself. I've got to learn to say no, that I don't need said people in my life, that I've got to let go, and that no other person can complete me.

I feel like I want, and I want, and I want so much and I go about it in all the wrong ways. I've got to start going out more instead of crashing around at random people's dorms/ apartments/cheesy resurants. That Is when I completely loose whatever worries I have, when there is a dancefloor and flashing lights. That is when I am completely at peace. And I miss taking concert photos. I need to find out a way to get that as a full time job... instead of retail.

blah

This sums up everything that is my humor

I've developed the habit of waking up and listening to the new Radiohead, constantly. It isn't a bad way to start the day, and I guess it give you some motivation to do something.

I need a job, badly. No one will ever understand the amount of guilt i feel asking my parents for money so i need to figure out a way to balance school and work. It is the only way I'll be able to sleep soundly at night... or at least it will eliminate one of the various thoughts running through my mind.
The thing about the city, or more-so my school, is that there are so many people I wish I could talk to just based on appearance. But I don't know how to do this. I just think of how odd it would be if someone were to randomly pop up and start conversation with the intension of forming some type of relationship. ACTUALLY, it is odd because it happens so fucking often here. First it is bad to judge a persons worth on their “look” but i cannot help but feel like I am back in middle school (I say middle because going to an all girls school for high school I missed out on those four vital years where people based your importance on your “look”. We had no look, we were all carbon copies of each other) looking up to all the older kids hoping to start some sort of conversation. Whatever, everything happens for a reason. I am a 12 year old boy trapped in the body of a college aged girl. so. sad.
[I need the CS3 so bad on this laptop]

So hows life? Its pretty good for the most part with some burst of standard depression and constant anxiety. There isn't much I can do about that stuff while I'm away, but 75% of the time I am really happy. I like the people I've met here, and I can honestly understand why everyone says college is the best time of your life. You'd be surprise how well you can function on your own, setting your own rules, getting your own responsibilities in order. I don't mind coming onto the concrete campus because I know I am right for this place. I just can't believe that it is November and that I have to move back home (even if it is for a month). It just gives me the motivation to start saving up for a place.

I feel like I am rambling, and that I have to update this thing more often. It is getting to that point where its too cold to go out, so we all just run to each other rooms and watch internet TV and drink tea/wine. So. Classy.

whateves

Really, its unnatural for a black and /or dominican person to like electronica so much.

I wish there was a word that could describe to the general public how crazy my life is becoming, and I hope it just turns into a constant mad house (it keeps my mind from wondering). I've been doing the things I love to do as much as my heart wants, and it is just surreal. School, well, school is blah, no matter if you go to an actual college with an actual campus, or my lovely little FIT. It taken me a while, but I think I've made a base of good school friends (still waiting for the hardcore bond within someone), and good city friends. I mean, don't get me wrong, the girls around here are some of the worse the tri-state has to offer, and there is just something so painful about art school types that makes me dread leaving my hard twin campus bed. However, for the most part I am pretty happy. I have to make sure I am still grounded though, keeping in contact with old friends and with the family. School work is odd, I always think I am so behind, but when I sit down and do it, it kinda works. I blame it on the fact that this is only my first semester and that it will only go down from here. I've done some self validation, that it actually makes sense that I go here, like underneath all my projects and needless usage of tracing paper, I've got some type of talent, I've just got to find it (thank you SHA).

So where to start? Oh! I decided I have three solid goals for the end of the year:
1.Buy a website- This makes everything easier in the business sense. If I'm honestly looking to get into the profession I'm thinking, I need somewhere to host my online portfolio or something. And I have to get somewhat better with flash. It is just a matter if I want it to be a blog style (which means it would have been POINTLESS for me to switch to blogger) or just something to show off what I've done.
2.I need to make a businesses card- Because everyone and their fucking uncle has one in the city, and I've never been asked so many times in one week if I had one. Of course fucking not, I am a first year art student, do you think I've planned that far ahead? Come on!
3.There is a rebound in order- This, I think might be the hardest of all the task just because I've become so fucking picky. I'm good, but in order to be fully healed, I think I just have to be with someone else (even if it comes down to the notion of just using/ being used).
See, I don't think those goals are too out of the ordinary. The last one might need some work because I've become a little of a bitch (sorry), and I kinda go to a school where only 20% males, and most of them aren't that into chicks (its just a fact).

SO yeah, I guess I should talk about CMJ right.
October 16. Was assigned to Neimo, tested out my new lenses, networked. Walked to see the Rosebuds and Voxtrot. Show was amazing, but I also had the biggest panic attack of my life, which involved my puking when I got back home, and barely any sleep.
October 17. The Dim mak showcase at the delancy, ended up going alone. Most of the bands where good/ mind-blowing with a couple of exceptions. More networking, no cards to hand out. Now don't get me wrong, I really do love taking concert photos, it could even be considered one of my passions, but 7pm to 2am is just a little excessive with limited breaks.
October 18. I had the CLE panel, and more networking than I could handle. The only issue was, I really had no reason for networking because I've never looked into the actually music business as a profession. Stayed there from 9am to 5pm with only 4 hours of sleep. Got back to the dorm and got ready for MIA, which ended up being the only show I didn't take pictures at. My god did she throw down, and I decided that I just really love to dance like a mad woman toward the back of venues when I can't be upfront for whatever reason. Though Terminal 5 makes me want to have a press pass stapled onto my forehead at all times.

October 19. I actually went to my 8:30 am class the next day. Classes weren't at all unbearable like most fridays, though apparently I am a shitty writer (I know this, it is the reason why I go to art school and why I am not a history major. I just hate proof reading a lot for some odd reason). Came back to my dorm around 5:30pm, and honestly cannot remember what I did until 9:30pm. Went out to dinner with Julia and her boyfriend Oliver. Had some drinks, couldn't get into trash (I need an ID so badly it kills me), went to Studio B in brooklyn (fuck rush, that place is the new fall back) to see MSTRKRFT. Left Julia and Oliver at the door because I had to piss like woah, find out they couldn't get in. Thought I was a lone and fucked. Find Antwan, hang with him up front. Gonzalez comes as MSTRKRFT is playing. Don't ask me how, but I get on stage and start taking shots like mad (most of them at a little mind blowing). Dance a little. The whole thing ends around 4am, and then I'm fucked. Alone in BK, AWESOME. I don't care if I'm walking the streets of Garden City at 4 in the morning, I am not walking alone. Make nice with some random dudes, ditch them after the conversation gets too odd. Get back to the dorm around 5ish, still wearing heals.
October 20. The only thing I know for sure is I have a shit load of work left over from the week, and that I must go to the justice after party. So in between doing work and constantly passing out because my body won't let me sleep past 10, 9:30 p.m. arrives. Get ready. Blair, Nick and Alex come over, we leave to go to BK again. Find out Erol Alkan isn't playing until 1am, at this time its 11:45pm. Walk to Williamsburg hall of music, catch Matt & Kim, give a random girl a really harsh look (though she really didn't deserve it), walk back to studio b around 1. Everyone has disappeared, and for all of one song, we are together. The shitty part about it all was that I was told that Justice was playing at 3, and I'm pretty sure I told my whole gang, only to have everyone leave but Elise, who is my new life. Erol puts on a great set, but only Xavier of Justice plays. But that isn't the important part of this extremely long story. It is the fact that I some how manage to get practically on the DJ booth to take photos (and didn't manage to fall off). Elise and I walk back to the dorms around 5:30am, and I decide that dancing... well dancing will be my new escape.
October 21. CMJ over, I have nothing to do with my life. Except make up for five days worth of sleep, type homework, studio skills...etc.
October 22. Feel a little overwhelmed when I wake up and notice I have to go through and edit over 2000 photos with a shitty jump drive. Go to class, sit there because I have such a shitty habit of finishing things early. Get out of class, procrastinate until 5, in which I manage to somehow read and absorb 3 chapters of text. Get ready to head to terminal 5, to see Justice, you know, that band I saw a DAY earlier. But this time, woah, this time was something surreal. The crowd could have been better, as with most crowds, but you know that every person there just wanted to embrace... something.
To sum it up:
-hi, My name is Elaan. I go to school, I take concert photos, I dance, I don't sleep, i don't have time to eat, and my life is pretty much swell.

For all those reasons and more, I am really glad I am on my own. There is still much more I have to do before I am fully independent, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely. If I stayed on the island, I'm pretty sure I'd be in the greatest depression of my life, even if I was commuting. I know some of the most amazing people in the world from my experiences, and I will have to go back during the winter and summer breaks. But i know i can't live there. Its just not right.

if the 8 year old me met the 18 year old me... wow.
and I'm really pumped to see what the city has to offer for halloween.

There was more i wanted to say... but I forget. LOOK AT MY FLICKR FOR ALL THE PHOTOS!!!!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2721rollsofkodak/

I'm in a really good mood

I am clearly the white male on the left hand side of that picture.

I think... actually, let me change that. I know that I am missing that part of my brain that allows me to be really upset over a guy. Especially when it involves other girls. And I wish, I wish I could. I've been upset over the things numerous things that guys have said directly to me, but when some male were to choose another girl over me... I don't feel a sense of loss. Instead I feel absolutely nothing. You may be thinking “you are so lucky” and it isn't as though I've got a thing for pain. I just wish my emotions weren't so limited. I just wish the only two negative emotions I feel weren't confined to “sad/depressed” and a little “mad/angry”. I hope you understand what I mean...

That being said, I cannot do this constantly going out thing, I need to learn how to just sit on the side. I feel like I am abnormally behind in my work (which really isn't the case) and i'm not treating myself right (which is the case). I've actually considered missing class (which isn't going to happen, its not that I love my classes that much or that I am huge nerd. Its just that I have this overwhelming sense that I will miss something important if I do). I know this is college, and I know I am in the city, but getting trashed in dorm rooms for just the sake of it just sometimes doesn't seem worth it. I'd much rather be dancing the hours away.

Sometimes yahoo news has the stupidest coverage stories, I can't handle it.

Well, I've been writing this entry for a while, I haven't had the full blown urge to write one whole entry and post it. So this is going to seem a little off:
It is so funny how a voicemail can completely throw you off. I normally don't check that stuff for weeks, it is a bad habit i know (its normally my mother, and I'll call her back). I wake up after a coma like slumber, and check it, and I've been out of it. Thankfully I couldn't understand most of what was said, (this is a good thing). It is the fact that he left it that has thrown me for a loop
You know how you have people in your life you rather forget for one reason or another? It wasn't the time, it was everything that happened after. I hate it when he is brought up, and every time I come close to... letting go of “all the hurt”, I'm put back in August. I'm put back in that spot when someone actually made me depressed, instead of me being the cause of my own unhappiness... I hate the fact that someone has that power over me. I think the secret reason why I'm allowing myself go back into the romantic scene is because I want someone else to push out the remainders of a... bad ending. I loved what we had, but I am happy its over. Its to the point where any contact isn't good for me.

I'm in a really good mood, here are pictures:



































CMJ is in 11 days... I'm just a little pumped.. and I need to figure out the HTML here, its just so confusing.