BAM!

All I really want in life at this moment are moleskine notebooks to doodle in, be organized, and to make my own. I mean, online blogs are great, but I am lacking the motivation to keep one up. There is something to be said when you keep a sketchbook that isn't composed of circle, squares, and triangles.





So I go home in less than 24 hours, and unlike everyone I know, I am completely dreading it. I think it comes down to three main reasons.

1) I've been spoiled by the city.
I have done a good job of actually keeping my work and social life on good paths. I do my work, I do my work well, and I do my work in advance. This gives me the opportunity to go out on certain nights, and when I do choose to go out, I go all out. I rarely come back into the dorms before 2 in the morning and I like it that way. Thanksgiving break is the beginning of the end. Final projects start to be due, friends begin to leave (what doesn't help is that I made so many exchange friends and they all are leaving me in december!), and you move back home. Unlike high school where you have that lovely and much needed week long break, college vacation goes on for little more than a month. A month of rules that are set up for you by others. Those rules work when you don't know anything better, and can rationalize coming home at 11PM on a from a neighboring town. But what do you do when you have tasted freedom? What do you do when you've been spoiled by the freedoms of coming home at 5AM on a Saturday from brooklyn?
2) I've got feeling that something bad may happen.
It is most likely due to my paranoia, my constant state of anxiety, but I can't help it. There are so many lose ends left back there and when you have lived on long island your whole life there is no way to avoid drama. I figure that (this involves more than one situation, so don't just limit yourself to one possible situation) I've got to wait a good year, or move off that island for good until that drama can stop following me. It sucks that I've collected so many secrets over the last few months. Some actually make me happy and others weight down like a ton of bricks. Most likely I'll avoid it all the issues concerning me. I mean, long island is a big place, ya' know? Its more of the fact that there may be drama concerning friends that may be the huge issue. But I am just being a debbie downer.
3)I've changed.
More than one person told me that you change when you go to college, and I knew that it was going to happen, it is obvious. Essentially I am the same person, my personality hasn't change much. But now I am very much so aware of my faults. I've got a bleeding heart, and that causes me to taken advantage of, especially with men. I realized how much I love my friends, and how much I just can't say no. That I need to change those aspects of my personality that may cause my downfall, but not completely lose myself. I've got to learn to say no, that I don't need said people in my life, that I've got to let go, and that no other person can complete me.

I feel like I want, and I want, and I want so much and I go about it in all the wrong ways. I've got to start going out more instead of crashing around at random people's dorms/ apartments/cheesy resurants. That Is when I completely loose whatever worries I have, when there is a dancefloor and flashing lights. That is when I am completely at peace. And I miss taking concert photos. I need to find out a way to get that as a full time job... instead of retail.

blah

This sums up everything that is my humor

I've developed the habit of waking up and listening to the new Radiohead, constantly. It isn't a bad way to start the day, and I guess it give you some motivation to do something.

I need a job, badly. No one will ever understand the amount of guilt i feel asking my parents for money so i need to figure out a way to balance school and work. It is the only way I'll be able to sleep soundly at night... or at least it will eliminate one of the various thoughts running through my mind.
The thing about the city, or more-so my school, is that there are so many people I wish I could talk to just based on appearance. But I don't know how to do this. I just think of how odd it would be if someone were to randomly pop up and start conversation with the intension of forming some type of relationship. ACTUALLY, it is odd because it happens so fucking often here. First it is bad to judge a persons worth on their “look” but i cannot help but feel like I am back in middle school (I say middle because going to an all girls school for high school I missed out on those four vital years where people based your importance on your “look”. We had no look, we were all carbon copies of each other) looking up to all the older kids hoping to start some sort of conversation. Whatever, everything happens for a reason. I am a 12 year old boy trapped in the body of a college aged girl. so. sad.
[I need the CS3 so bad on this laptop]

So hows life? Its pretty good for the most part with some burst of standard depression and constant anxiety. There isn't much I can do about that stuff while I'm away, but 75% of the time I am really happy. I like the people I've met here, and I can honestly understand why everyone says college is the best time of your life. You'd be surprise how well you can function on your own, setting your own rules, getting your own responsibilities in order. I don't mind coming onto the concrete campus because I know I am right for this place. I just can't believe that it is November and that I have to move back home (even if it is for a month). It just gives me the motivation to start saving up for a place.

I feel like I am rambling, and that I have to update this thing more often. It is getting to that point where its too cold to go out, so we all just run to each other rooms and watch internet TV and drink tea/wine. So. Classy.